Broken Thoughts In Between My Screams

Something weird I have noticed recently, people look at me funny, staring at me on end; like there is a question to be asked but afraid to take that first step.

Am I a frightening person?

Perhaps it is a compliment. I am not quite sure how to take it.

But recently, I have noticed that I much prefer the silence.

Something calming, serene; negligent about the eerie vacuum-like vast emptiness that surrounds my thoughts. And I can hear myself clearly.

And I HATE it.

But there is a comfort that I cannot deny in drowning by my own voice.

Swallowed whole by the screams.

There is a question though that comes to me, that I cannot ignore.

Where are YOU?

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Soul Mates…-ish?

Someone once said write; write it all out Hessa, put it all down. I figure one has to have something to write about, right? [Dude, I just rhymed; oh happy days!] Otherwise, really; what’s the point of it all? Rehashing all the gory details in your heart, passing through your mind and out them come from your fingertips and on to this page. For what purpose? To haunt your every wrong decision? To torture you with sweet memories?

Ain’t nobody got time for that!

So. Today officially marks the day of letting go. Who’d have thunked it? Lord knows I didn’t see it coming! Or perhaps I did, perhaps I was ignoring the signs. Maybe I just wanted to pretend it wasn’t happening, like it wasn’t my reality?

I mean, let’s face it: When someone says ‘Soul Mate’ your first thought kind of gravitates towards words like lifetime, forever, eternity, etc.

Mine certainly did.

I mean isn’t that the very definition of a “Soul Mate”?
A mate to you soul.

Well isn’t your soul infinite? And therefore the term forever tends to be obsolete in this case in point anyway? Funny how the label is used so freely these days. Almost feels like it has lost it’s meaning. Such a tragedy if you ask me.

Anyway, you ever lost yourself one of those?
Lost the “Love of your life?

Ever think it could NEVER happen to you?

Well, I am here to tell you Buddy; that you are in for a rude awakening! Because it can happen, and in most cases it will. And I wonder if it has to do with the very definition of a Soul Mate, and what it actually implies…

A soulmate (or soul mate) is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity. This may involve similarity, love, romance, intimacy, sexuality, sexual activity, spirituality, or compatibility and trust

Take me for example. One day I am the happiest woman alive; and the next I am sitting here typing out this article.

So.

What the hell happened?
When did it all fall apart?
Where was I?
How come I couldn’t hold it together?

Aah, the list of questions is endless; if I allow my mind to go there.
But I won’t because I am stronger than that. Or so, I keep telling myself.
I am angry. Angry is good.

Some psychologists state that believing that a soulmate exists specifically for a person is an unrealistic expectation [No kidding there Sparky!]

Don’t get me wrong, I am not one of those feminists that talk about being strong and ain’t no woman need a man; and all that kinda crap, get out with that hot mess Ladies.

It ain’t even about that. You know damned well you are hurting and Lord knows my heart here is breaking, so I say; to hell with it and LET IT BREAK.

Let it break until it cannot break no more; till all the pieces have been scattered before you and lay flat on the ground, bleeding out the pain. And after the blood has run its course; lay a little longer. Ain’t nothing going on anyway right?

And when you think you’re about ready to get up, take it slow; no rush to start out in a hurry… You gotta learn how to walk before you can learn how to fly right?

But one piece of advice, after all that bleeding; and all that healing, you stand yourself upright and you look at yourself in the mirror and you say:

You cry as hard as you want to, take your time; you ain’t in no rush… But just make sure that when you’re finished, you NEVER cry for the SAME reason again

Yes… That’s a quote I done stole from Wiz Khalifa… But it applies no?