Watch It All Go By

Distracted, life gets in the way

All the time. Priorities, responsibilities 

No time left to spare. I feel at a loss – of words, self-confidence, self-control.

It is the “self” that is in most sever danger; as I live my life

Second, by minute, by hour, by day, by week, etc.

All the while it escapes me, did you know I wanted to be a songwriter? Or script writer?

A writer is the single most beautifully degrading gifts. I constantly set myself on fire searching for the words to express the feelings that continuously evade me?

And worst of all, I watch – I watch it all go by.

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On Bended Knee

Oh this path I take, a lonely one indeed
I bear the weight of the world, on bended knee,
And then one day, not long ago now
I felt warm hands envelope my cheeks
Wiping away leftover tears,
I looked it straight in the eye, words uttered

You’re my happy circumstance.

Dear Anonymous

I honestly don’t even know where to begin, my emotions are so heightened because of all the depressing things that have been happening to me recently – I find my thoughts have taken a casual stroll as far back as to something significantly awful I must have done in high school that has probably lead to this one moment in time, a snowball-like effect.. I know how incredibly silly that sounds, trust me I can hear the crazy seeping through your very screen – but, as a woman with a surge of estrogen currently raging blindly through my body, I’m going to chalk this up to one of my sillier-ME moments and just roll with it..In any case, it’s lead me to be sitting here, re-evaluating my current lack-there-of life choices and a somewhat dimly lit, astonishingly winding path that I am on, and I have come to some unsatisfying conclusions.. After sifting through all the recent layers of issues [Honestly, I really have to cancel my subscriptions], I have have come to decided to start from the bottom and force myself to really take a good, hard look at the first layer.. And as discomforting as it might seem, I find that my problem first stems with YOU..

Having come to terms with this statement, I still have no idea where to start from.. Except.. We started off as good friends when we met, I considered YOU an admirable colleague.. I found that YOU had drive, sense and ambition; characteristics I conceded were long gone within our workplace – I even went far enough to think of YOU as a decent human being.. But as quick as this absurd notion came, it went again; the moment YOU rose into power..

Power.. It’s such a funny thing; it turns nobel and righteous Men and Women into the most deceitful and hateful human beings and YOU were no different.. Pride, greed and malicious envy; 3 parts of the seven deadly sis ran through your veins, your beastly words.. Who could have foreseen it?

Looking back; I am surprised – but then again why should YOU be held at a higher standard than the rest? What made YOU so different? So special in my eyes? I don’t know.. It was my fault really, I think I wanted that for YOU; pushed that idea on YOU and not only were YOU not up for the responsibility – YOU didn’t deserve it.. Mind you, I am completely aware YOU did not ask for this, rather unfair of me to put such high expectations on YOUR shoulders; and 100% have no idea of this conversation going on in my head – but I guess that’s where the blame lies, where all the anger and hurt stems from..

I had expectations.. And we all know where that leads to – Disappointment lane..

In my defence, I have a natural inclination to expect the good from people, I mean – shouldn’t that be what we as people do? Be good to ourselves and each other; should we not practice what we preach? I suppose not, at least such as the case with YOU – such an unfortunate affair..

YOU really did us wrong and I took it so uncommonly personal, I do not know why – perhaps it all stems down to my expectations of YOU? Was it wrong for me to want YOU to succeed? For YOU to be better than what YOU were? Maybe..

Perhaps it had to do with the fact that YOU completely broke my trust last year when YOU attempted to attack me professionally – That in itself is a whole other story.. Did YOU really think it would work, that people that had known me, my work ethic, even my family – would trust someone they had just met? Believe in someone that had years and YEARS to prove themselves? I guess I might never know? 

Don’t get me wrong my lovely readers, this is not a piece about me trying to convince you all of me being the perfect human being, quite the opposite.. We all know there is no such thing as perfection, I am as human as the next person and I have just as many, if not more flaws than any other..

No, this letter is not meant to be a letter of pointing fingers, of laying blame or of calling YOU out; quite the contrary, this really isn’t even about YOU anymore; this is more to do with my own expectations and handling my own disappointments.. And in the end, I shall take out of it what was put into it – another lesson learnt.. 

Before I finish, I will leave YOU with this: I FORGIVE YOU.. I forgive YOU for all the anger I have felt towards YOU for acting childishly and fallacious.. For the tears YOU made me shed after hours of hard work and frustration.. For words gone unsaid aloud and hateful thoughts simmering under my skull..

I must let go – I must move on.. So:

I FORGIVE YOU; but I promise you – I will NOT forget.

Chasing Dreams

A cold breeze whips her hair across her face, cigarette smoke fills the empty space between the two
Sitting under a starless wintery sky, she pours herself another glass..
I hear it.. I hear the torturess breaking of her delicate heart, as she wipes the snot from her nose roughly with the back of her hand..

“You know what my problem is?” She mutters under her whiskey-ridden breath..

“I seek a man that moves my being,” She inhales slowly; unsteadly, “But do you know what I fear with that?”

And without waiting for an answer, she looks me dead in the eye, almost pleading – a fleeting desire to be understood.. A single, lonely tear crawls down her cheek

“What if he doesn’t exist? What if I am chasing a dream?”

Burn

I will build me a fabulous palace with the words that you used to make me smile
Then I shall send each one up in flames with the words you used to watch me bleed
As long as in the end, I’m watching all that you hold dear

Burn..

Bad Guy

I knew what I was doing – when I kissed her
I knew it would destroy her
But if you saw the kind of lips she had
You’d have probably done the same.

you see, I was blamed for stealing her breaths,
Yet you completely failed to see – she annihilated my soul first
And I am rendered the bad guy?

His Downfall

Oh dear God catch me before I fall,
Please, don’t.. Don’t let me risk it all..
I am a dreamer, a fearless thrill-seaker
And oh God I love how his eyes make me feel
Throw me a sign, whisper in my ear
All I ask is that you make it clear
Because I swear if you don’t,
I can’t be held responsible – Oh no, not me
Not for the destruction that will be made
Of him..

Time Spent Waiting

The passed few days have been excruciating, I feel like a well gone dry..
Not of water or the elixir of life,
But empty of words; MY words..
And I am spent
Waiting..
I feel like that is all that I do – wait..

Waiting for an opportunity,
Waiting for a sign,
Waiting.. Just waiting..

And the hurtful part; is as I wait – (Wasting my life away) I watch myself die a little more every year
Because time is a two-faced monster

You can live a moment throughout an entire lifetime
Or spend an eternity in a single moment;

But in the end – it’s all the same
One moment left waiting.. Waiting.. Waiting